Okay Colonel Johnson, thank you for appearing before the Senate Defense Committee with your blueprint for a strong military in our new breakaway republic.

Now, as I understand it, all of your emphasis is on strong teeth and good oral hygiene for our troops, is that correct?

Exactly, Senator. That’s why I called my document “The Gums of Navarone.”  It’s crucial that each fighting man be able to carry a desk in his teeth, in case he needs to fill out a form or write home.

I see. But Colonel, why can’t they carry the desks with their hands?

They’re TROOPS! They need their hands free for their guns. You could say they need their hands for their arms, heh heh…

There’s no place for humor here, Colonel. Now, is it necessary to move these desks around, or couldn’t we have scattered ROOMS with desks, called OFFICES?

Yes, technically, if you want to be just like every other military, Senator.

Colonel, you propose using actual dentists to train the troops. What do you call this cadre of dentists?

Drill Instructors…

Sigh. You know what, Colonel, that’s it. This is too stupid, even for this blog, even for a Friday in July. You may take your plan and leave now.

But Senator! We haven’t mentioned choppers yet!

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Top: A Russian soldier carries a desk with his teeth during a ceremony celebrating Navy Day at the harbour of Russia’s far eastern city of Vladivostok, July 25, 2010. Russia marks its Navy Day on Sunday.

Left: A serviceman holds a desk by his teeth at a military show during the celebration of Defender of the Fatherland Day in Vladivostok, February 23, 2010.

REUTERS photos by Yuri Maltsev

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